When faced with conflict, your mind repeats “cool” approximately 5,000 times in Jake Peralta’s voice, because the rest of your body is Amy Santiago-ing — must not offend your superior officer at any cost. It happens frequently: your boss has asked you to do something you really don’t have time for (and is definitely outside of your job description), but you figure you’ll update that spreadsheet anyway. Asserting what you need might not come naturally to you if you tend to avoid conflict at all costs.
This does not imply that you never stand up for yourself, however.
Furthermore, the way you react in the face of a potential showdown can reveal a lot about who you are.
“Your ability to cope, life experiences, what was modeled by those around you, the implicit and explicit messages you received while you were growing up related to gender, race, culture, society, socioeconomic status, familial expectation and so many more variables can play a role in how a person approaches (or doesn’t approach) conflict,” says psychotherapist Lillyana Morales, L.
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Because of this, not all people who shy away from conflict share the same personality traits. However, there are some similarities among them, such as the tendency to always say, “Just walk away.”. Continue reading for a list of 18 characteristics of conflict avoiders.
You are analytical.
In order to avoid a fight or at least diffuse it before it gets out of hand, someone who avoids conflict may simply feel that a fight isn’t worth the effort. You therefore choose your battles carefully, to put it another way. It does no harm and no foul to analyze a situation before it reaches the point where it cannot be reversed.
You try to win over everyone.
Conflict avoidance is frequently motivated by not wanting to irritate other people, according to Sherese Ezelle, L.
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at One Medical, a behavioral therapist with a license. You may be aware that you need to let your best friend know that it is not acceptable to change your plans without providing a reason for the fourth time in a row. You tell yourself, however, that whatever is going on with them is also significant. And while that may be the case, it may come naturally to you to rank your own needs lower than others’, and possibly even to forget about your own.
You’re observant.
If you’ve ever been in a volatile relationship, you’ve seen what can happen when conflict arises. Being proactive can help you avoid conflict by forewarning you that it might not be worth the potential outcome. According to April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert and author based in New York, “[someone who avoids confrontation] may feel that the relationship they have with the person provoking them is too valuable to damage with an argument.”.
You are laid back.
Another reason you might avoid conflict is that you’re just a laid-back individual. Everybody has a tolerance window, but each person’s tolerance window is different in size, according to Morales. You’re good at letting things roll off your back, so you might have a high tolerance. When other people are obviously at fault, it doesn’t bother you at all because you have faith that they will come to their senses eventually. You can catch up on some video games in the interim. What’s the point in worrying about things you can’t change?
You’re inactive.
According to Tina B, you might simply have a more passive personality if you would never, ever, ever write an entire album about your ex, ala Olivia Rodrigo. Tessin, Ph. D. author of the book It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction. Volatile individuals tend to gravitate toward them because they are known to them (as in, members of their family), but because they are too avoidant to defend themselves, they appease them instead. Passivity isn’t always a bad thing, but when you don’t speak up for yourself when you should, the bad feelings are bound to build up.
You might benefit from a confidence booster.
Even though pizza isn’t your girlfriend’s favorite food, you might need to give yourself a few extra pep talks before declaring that you really want to order some for your birthday. If you want to help conflict grow and change, you can learn how to do that, Morales tells Bustle. “Avoiding conflict can be well-intentioned,” she adds. Your fight, freeze, or Amy Santiago journey may include a lot of practice developing self-assurance and affirming that your needs matter.
You struggle under pressure.
You can learn to avoid fights pretty quickly by getting burned before. According to Masini, “[conflict-avoidant people] learned the hard way that the stress of confrontation makes them uncomfortable, so they avoid it the way a child who touches a hot stove learns not to do so in the future.”.
