Shame on you if you mislead me just once; shame on me if you mislead me twice. Growing up, I frequently heard that adage. If a friend was quick to exclude me, well, that was their loss; if a boy made fun of me on AIM after a few months of messaging, they got blocked so quickly they couldn’t even type, “LMAO.”. Everyone from my mother to my third-grade teacher quickly taught me how to deal with disloyalty, but I was never really shown how to foster loyalty in my relationships in the first place.
Several bad friendships I had early in life left me with a slightly bitter aftertaste, so I’ve never been one to place a lot of trust in nature. My band-camp boyfriend cheated on me when I was 16 and I just shrugged it off, telling myself I should have known better. In college, I was quick to snort in a guy’s face and reprimand him if he said, “It’s not you, it’s me.”. It was my default expectation that people would desert or betray me.
As a result, I was alert the first few months of dating my partner and on the lookout for any indications of either flight or fight. I was so certain that the slightest sign of incompatibility would cause them to break up, but that day never came. And over time, they showed me how to genuinely establish a foundation of loyalty in a partnership: it begins with having the capacity to trust not only your partner but also yourself.
Develop an empathy for others.
Don’t express sympathy when your partner is going through a challenging time. Try to comprehend where their pain is coming from rather than just reacting sympathetically and feeling bad for them.
According to relationship expert Dr. Gary Brown, “the active practice of being able to emotionally walk in someone else’s shoes, as well as to perform acts of service for them, are two key components to the practice of empathy.”. The most crucial element in developing love and loyalty is this. You’ll show your partner that their problems are now also your problems by shouldering that burden with them, and you’ll also build trust by showing that you understand.
Develop Active Listening Skills.
Active listening is very different from simply hearing what someone is saying. Think carefully before responding to your partner’s questions or comments. Process each sentence. “Our partner will probably feel more loved when they know that we are actually listening and understanding what they are saying — verbally and non-verbally,” Dr. Brown says. “There’s nothing quite like feeling understood. ”.
As a result of having a deeper understanding of their perspective, you will be in a better position to have a meaningful conversation with them. They will then be there to do the same the next time you need to talk something out.
Consider them.
When decisions only affect you, it’s simple to make them quickly, but when you’re in a relationship, you also have to think about the other person’s feelings. Talk it over with your partner first before making a significant career or life decision.
They will value being informed of the conversation, and it will show that you respect their time, space, and loyalty, even if you ultimately need to come to a conclusion on your own. It’s crucial to consider what your partner might want or need when thinking about decisions, advises Dr. Brown.
“Taking into account your partner’s needs is just another way to demonstrate your concern for them. There is no harm in including them in your decision-making, even if they are not the primary factor.
Exchanging experiences.
A great way to strengthen your relationship with your partner is to try something new, learn a new skill, or experience a place, trip, or art form together. Building a history of shared experiences is “one of the more fun aspects of a relationship,” Dr. Brown tells Bustle. Your partner will partially link that feeling of happiness and security with you whenever they reflect on the shared adventure. Loyalty comes from this level of comprehension.
Clearly express yourself.
Although there are significant differences between lying to your partner and withholding the truth, both forms of dishonesty involve keeping secrets. Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and fears to your partner as soon as they occur to avoid mistrust and little-white lies that mount into a mountain. The difficulty it seems to be for them to communicate their hopes is one of the dynamics Dr. Dot Brown observes in so many couples. “It’s alright if there isn’t immediate clarity.
Observe mutual tolerance.
It’s crucial to understand that courageous vulnerability is necessary for effective communication. ” Even if they don’t understand in the moment, your transparency will always pay off in the end.
Give them top priority.
Even if your partner is not the most important person in your life, when you open yourself up to someone completely, they inadvertently become a priority: you want to protect and nurture that connection. So if someone matters to you that much, show them! “One of the simplest and most effective things you can do to make your partner feel like they are a priority is to ask them the following question: What can I do to help make your day go a bit better?’” Dr. Brown says. “That’s because love requires that we make our partner’s needs and well-being a priority. ” Remind them how much they mean to you, choose to spend time with them when you have the chance, and support them in their own endeavors. If you feel safe enough to remain vulnerable around someone, they will return your sentiments with their own loyalty.
Plan Mindful Surprises.
Surprises are not always a good thing per say: you need to remember to be respectful of your partner’s time and space. But once those boundaries are defined, performing random acts of kindness for those you love, and seeing the joy that they bring about, can be incredibly gratifying! Next time you go over to your partner’s house, pack their favorite snack food. If you pass something that makes you think of them in a store window, grab them a gift for no reason.
“I was at the grocery store the other day,” Dr. Brown says. “Just before I checked out, I saw some daffodils in the flower section and bought a couple dozen for my wife. I know she likes them this time of the year, so this is one of the little things that I do to let her know that I’m thinking of her and love her. It’s an accumulation of these small little surprises that often add up to earning her loyalty over time. ”.
Small special moments, planned with no expectation of reciprocation, are not only fun and memorable, but can establish mutual respect and loyalty.
Loyalty does not necessarily mean sweeping dramatic gestures or caveats, like choosing your partner above all else, or even the absence of infidelity. Loyalty is marked by the little things one chooses to do, simply because they know it would mean the world to their partner.
