Divorced people often realize after the fact how much they wish they had done differently during their marriages. Identifying issues and coming up with solutions can be challenging when you’re in the middle of a failing relationship. But with time and distance, everything may become clear.
That’s not to say that the divorce wasn’t the right decision or that they could have stayed together if they had just done one thing differently. While each circumstance is different, it can be beneficial for couples who have gone through a divorce to reflect on and learn from these problems. To avoid the same problems in their subsequent relationships, they might decide to focus more on communication if that was their downfall in the first one.
According to Dr. Gary Brown, a couples therapist in Los Angeles, “that would include learning basic communication skills such as active listening, validating what their new partner is saying (whether they agree with what is being said or not), being courageously vulnerable, identifying and expressing their core needs, and expressing gratitude for their new partner.”.
They may not have acquired some skills in time to save their marriage, but they can use them later on. Continue reading for a few more things that many divorcing couples wish they had done differently, along with the lessons that can be drawn from them.
Become Aware Of Their Impact.
Virginia Gilbert, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in divorce, tells Bustle that because people who are unhappy in their marriages frequently blame their partner for their unhappiness, they frequently don’t realize their own flaws and the effect of those flaws on their former spouse until after the divorce.
After some time has passed, they realize that their partner’s behavior may not have been entirely to blame and that taking responsibility for their part in the relationship may have helped.
Going to therapy and owning up to your mistakes “are all things that may have had the power to change the outcome of the relationship,” Gilbert says. “But even if they didn’t, the other person would know they had made every effort to keep the marriage together. “.
Discuss issues more quickly.
It can be challenging to discuss relationship issues, especially if they have persisted for a while. According to Bonnie Duarte, RSSW, PCC, a divorce recovery coach and proprietor of Duarte Coaching, it’s much simpler to ignore them than it is to bring them up and possibly upset the apple cart.
But many divorcing couples later regret this error as well. Duarte claims that they wish they had spoken up instead of just hoping. It can seem like the most obvious solution in the world after a marriage dissolves, but it can be difficult to connect with someone while a relationship is still in progress.
Consider one another’s needs.
Sonia Frontera, a divorce lawyer, author, and empowerment trainer, tells Bustle that after a marriage ends, many couples wish they had paid more attention to each other’s needs and had not taken the union for granted. Once your relationship has hit a stalemate, both errors are incredibly simple to commit. However, they are preventable.
“To prevent their marriage from ending in divorce, spouses need to be vigilant about each other’s needs, monitoring their interactions to ensure they are healthy and loving, and making adjustments as they go along,” Frontera says.
Before you get married, take care of a few things.
According to Brown, “some couples regret that they were aware of potential issues before getting married but never really addressed them.”. Perhaps they had communication problems or unspoken trust issues.
This regret is particularly typical and is a simple trap to fall into, according to Brown. “When we first fall in love, we often over-idealize our new partner, and even when there is reason to believe that there may be conflicts down the road, we often choose to stay away from them out of fear of losing the wonderful feelings of being in love. “.
But as you might imagine, resolving these problems before getting married and afterward can be crucial to preventing divorce. One option for doing so is to seek counseling for couples.
Been More Defenseless.
According to Kristina Ferrari, M.S, “sometimes the things we didn’t say are what lead to separation or divorce.”. Bustle is told by Ed, a psychotherapist with a focus on marriage and couple’s therapy. Because it can be challenging to comprehend one another or resolve the issues that usually lead to the end of a relationship without communication.
“It’s challenging to be open and honest with your partner regarding your needs, wants, and desires, but doing so provides a real opportunity for authentic change,” says Ferrari. “When partners make themselves vulnerable by telling the truth, relationships can recover from the brink. “.
