It can be difficult to trust yourself to remember how to swim when you first start a new relationship. The feeling of restarting an old relationship, however, can be stranger: as you go under, you’ll remember having already navigated this puddle. The process of getting back together with an ex can be both reassuring and terrifying; it can bring back familiar feelings of nostalgia as well as memories of stormy times.
From toxic friends to unsatisfactory partners, I’ve always had trouble letting people go. I used to hand out second chances in college like they were flyers. I was willing to ignore a great deal of red flags in the pursuit of my “happily ever after” because I was so determined to establish a strong connection. I would have irrational reunions with my ex-lovers, wiping the slate as clean as my hard drive, spurred on by optimism. But as time has gone on, I’ve realized that relationships are nothing like computers—you can’t compartmentalize your baggage by dumping it all into an unmarked folder and ignoring its existence. Your old records (and flames) will always come back to haunt you in some way.
I started reflecting on my experience after each time I reconnected with an ex to avoid being overtaken by old emotions. Because my life was in transition during these phases, I was able to deal with any worries, apprehensions, or insecurities I was dealing with. Above all else, always put your happiness and mental health first. Recognize your emotions rather than holding them inside.
A smooth transition when getting back together with an ex, according to clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and podcast host Kristie Overstreet, can be achieved by acknowledging these stages and managing expectations. “We all have expectations, and a lot of the time we end up feeling disappointed and frustrated, not realizing that we had an unrealistic expectation,” she tells Elite Daily.
When you’re back together, it’s simple to think that everything will be ideal. However, the unavoidable emotional upheaval doesn’t indicate that you made the wrong decision; rather, it just indicates that you are going through the perplexing phases that come with getting back together with an ex.
Self-Doubt.
You may find it difficult to silence that inner voice that keeps asking you if you’re doing the right thing if you decide to get back together with an ex. In part, this inner voice is only there to check in on us, according to Overstreet. The time to have a conversation with that voice, however, is when it spirals out of control.
It could get very loud, and we could spiral downward, warns Overstreet, especially for those who are more prone to anxiety. She advises writing down your thoughts to nudge your brain back into the present if you find yourself in an overthinking spiral.
The reality is that there is no perfect relationship that can be predicted in advance because there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Try to differentiate between your gut feeling and your self-doubt, as difficult as that may feel at the time. Instead of being indecisive, trust your gut.
What Ifs Are Neverending.
Ah, those two annoyingly brief words. You might feel a wave of comfort that comes from resolution once you’ve accepted your decision to get back together with your ex. Nevertheless, despite that consolation, you might occasionally experience the nagging thought of “What if? “, which is motivated by anticipation rather than doubt.
What if we’re no longer the same people we were, what if we can’t go back to where we were, and what if we shouldn’t have broken up in the first place?
I’ve found that talking directly to my partner about my reunion anxiety has always helped. Honest communication is always beneficial in relationships, and chances are, your partner is already experiencing similar feelings. If you feel comfortable opening up to your partner, think about starting a conversation so that you don’t have to navigate through this difficult time alone. Asking yourself why you’re reluctant to voice your worries could be a sign of a deeper problem in your relationship, so do so.
Overstreet advises stating that this is just something you are struggling with and hoping to work through with your partner if you do want to start this conversation with them but are concerned about starting an argument. Instead of blaming the other person, she suggests using “I” statements and taking responsibility for your own thoughts and emotions regarding the circumstance.
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Building a Wall.
You might sense that things are starting to fall back into place once you’ve dealt with any anxiety you may have about getting back together with your partner. But if you still feel uneasy about emotional and/or physical intimacy and prefer to go more slowly than you used to, don’t worry: Breakups can be excruciatingly painful, and you might be worried about experiencing that pain again.
According to Overstreet, “our defense mechanisms protect us.”. “You’re probably not going to enter the room feeling particularly vulnerable if people were injured the last time in any way.
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Our natural reaction when our heart is broken is frequently to build a guarded wall. Don’t rush the process if it takes some time to overcome that barrier; after all, you are only human and trust issues are to be expected. According to Overstreet, as trust increases, vulnerability also increases, and over time, the barrier will break down. ”.
Déjà Vu.
It’s difficult to treat a first date as such when you know exactly what the person on the other side of the table will order. You may notice this as you take your time and get to know each other again.
Although our pop princess Olivia Rodrigo was unavailable for comment, relationship expert Nicole Richardson previously told Elite Daily that “getting back with an ex can feel like putting on an old favorite pair of jeans. They’re cozy and well-known, but they also have a lot of memories attached to them (cue the nightclub memories the moment you put on that timeless black pair).
While nostalgia can be a useful tool for reconnection, it can also take your attention away from the present. Take a class together or visit a neighborhood you’ve never been to as an alternative to dwelling on the past. To avoid living in the past again, create new memories.
Having a strange feeling.
Your relationship may seem to flow more smoothly — though perhaps not seamlessly — once you’ve both fallen into a routine. Schedules and organization can be beneficial because they can offer a welcome diversion that prevents you from fussing over trivial details. But you might notice that something still feels a little off, perhaps because you two are afraid to mess something up. This may show up as overly polite behavior toward one another, conversational submission, or overly contrite behavior. Always keep in mind that conflict in a relationship is completely normal and healthy. Instead of living in constant fear of escalating a situation, it is much more beneficial to face your emotions head-on.
There might be a tendency to avoid eye contact with your partner in brand-new relationships. But Richardson argued that when you reconcile with an ex, you both bring baggage from your shared history that can’t be ignored.
“Remember that it’s not a blank slate. Both of you are entering with an idea of how this could [or] should go, as well as some [hurt],” Richardson previously stated. In the initial ‘OMG I’m so happy this is working’ phase, it is crucial to try and address resentments head-on right away and not ignore them. ”.
When I first started seeing my current boyfriend, I used to worry a lot that every little argument meant our relationship was flawed and destined to fail. The true pillars of a solid connection, however, are compassion and flexibility, not agreement and unbroken bliss, as I have since come to understand.
the acceptance of the new normal.
You can stop placing demands on how and where your relationship should be, and instead start appreciating and experiencing it as it is, when you finally stop living in fear of causing cracks in your foundation.
Your relationship’s method for becoming enduring and allowing room for expansion is simply to establish a “new normal.”. Since you initially split up for a reason, it cannot take on the same form as before, according to Overstreet.
“This new normal must exist.
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Your partner may have been a part of your life for a long time, but at this moment they are playing a different role, and that’s an exciting place to be. Struggling for more will no longer be stressful once you accept your relationship’s “new normal” state. The difference between knowing what something ought to look like and actually seeing what’s in front of you should be sought after.
The process of re-establishing contact.
The most wonderful part of reconciling and accepting your new situation is realizing that you may now both be very different people from one another. While meeting up with an old flame might seem frightening at first, it can unexpectedly completely renew your relationship.
Josh Klapow, Ph. D. clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show previously told Bustle that during the separation before reunification, couples go through their own unique and new experiences. This can enable them to bring an entirely new perspective to the relationship, whether it be by beginning therapy, changing careers, or dating other people. “You have a chance to start, essentially, a new relationship together,” Dr. Klapow said, “when time and circumstances have truly changed who you both are. ”.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and genuinely enjoy getting to know them all over again instead of going into each interaction assuming you know what they’re thinking and how they’ll act. Instead of thinking of this as the continuation of something boring, think of it as the beginning of something new (sorry, High School Musical reference).
There is no ideal way to reenter a relationship. Don’t force yourself to feel a certain way, and make sure you’re regularly checking in with your own emotional needs. It doesn’t matter if it takes you a few days or a few months. It’s okay to take a chance and cannon-ball back in as long as your motivation is sincere. You might actually like where the current takes you this time.
