It can be difficult to trust yourself to remember how to swim when you first start a new relationship. Resuming an old relationship, however, can have a stranger feeling: as you go under, you’ll realize that you’ve already navigated this puddle. The process of getting back together with an ex can be both reassuring and terrifying; it can bring back familiar feelings of nostalgia as well as memories of turbulent times.
From toxic friends to unhealthful partners, I’ve always had trouble letting people go. I used to hand out second chances in college like they were flyers. I was willing to ignore a great deal of red flags in the pursuit of a meaningful connection because I was so determined to find my “happily ever after.”. I would impulsively get back together with my ex-lovers, wiping the slate as clean as my hard drive because I was so full of optimism. But as time has gone on, I’ve realized that relationships are nothing like computers—you can’t compartmentalize your baggage by dumping it all into an unmarked folder and ignoring its existence. Somehow, your old files (and flames) will always come back to haunt you.
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I started evaluating my experience each time I dated an ex in order to avoid being overpowered by reminiscences. These phases allowed me to address any concerns, doubts, or insecurities I was struggling with — because when your life is in flux, it’s perfectly normal not to feel OK. Above all, always put your mental health and happiness first. Recognize your emotions rather than holding them inside.
Kristie Overstreet, a clinical sexologist, psychotherapist, and host of the podcast Fix Yourself First, claims that managing expectations is the key to a smooth transition when getting back together with an ex. We all have expectations, she says, and frequently we end up feeling let down and frustrated without realizing that our hopes were unreasonably high.
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When you’re back together, it’s simple to think that everything will be ideal. But the unavoidable emotional upheaval doesn’t indicate that you made the wrong decision; it just means that you are currently experiencing the perplexing phases that come with getting back together with an ex.
Self-Doubt.
You’ll probably struggle to silence that inner voice that keeps asking you if you’re doing this right when you decide to get back together with an ex. According to Overstreet, this inner voice primarily serves as a monitoring system for us. It’s time to have a conversation with that voice, though, when it spirals out of control.
Overstreet issues a warning: “What can happen, especially for those more prone to anxiety, is that it can get really loud and we can go into a dark spiral.”. She advises writing down your thoughts to jolt your mind out of an overthinking spiral and bring it back to the here and now.
The reality is that there is no perfect relationship that can be predicted in advance because there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Try to differentiate between your self-doubt and your gut feeling, as difficult as that may feel at the time. Follow your intuition, not your indecision.
What Ifs That Never End?
Those annoying little words, ah. You might feel a wave of comfort that comes from resolution once you’ve come to terms with your choice to rekindle your relationship with your ex. In spite of this consolation, you might occasionally be plagued by the question “What if? “, which is not based in uncertainty but rather in anticipation.
What if there’s no turning back, what if we’ve changed, what if we shouldn’t have split up in the first place?
I’ve found that talking directly to my partner about my reunion anxiety has always helped. Sincere communication is always beneficial in relationships, and chances are, your partner already feels this way. If you feel comfortable opening up to your partner, think about starting a conversation so you don’t have to go through this difficult time alone. And if you’re hesitant to voice your worries, consider why; it could be a sign of a deeper problem in your relationship.
If you do want to start this dialogue with your partner but are worried about creating an argument, Overstreet suggests explaining that this is simply something you are struggling with and hoping to work through together. Instead of blaming the other person, she suggests, “use ‘I’ statements and take accountability for your own thoughts and feelings about the situation. ”.
raising a wall.
You might sense that things are starting to fall back into place once you’ve dealt with any anxiety you may have about getting back together with your partner. But if you still feel uneasy about emotional and/or physical intimacy and prefer to go more slowly than you used to, don’t worry: Breakups can be incredibly painful, and you might be worried about experiencing that pain again.
Overstreet explains that “our defense mechanisms protect us.”. “You won’t likely enter the room feeling overly vulnerable if people were injured the last time in any way. ”.
When our hearts are broken, we frequently automatically build a guarded wall around ourselves. You shouldn’t rush the process if it takes some time to overcome that barrier because trust issues are normal for a human being. According to Overstreet, “as trust is built, vulnerability follows, and that wall will eventually come down. ”.
Déjà Vu.
It’s difficult to treat a first date as such when you know exactly what the person on the other side of the table is going to order. As you take your time and get to know each other better, you might notice that things seem uncannily familiar.
Olivia Rodrigo, our pop princess, was unavailable for comment; however, relationship expert Nicole Richardson, a therapist, previously told Elite Daily that “getting back with an ex can feel like putting on an old favorite pair of jeans. They’re cozy and well-known, but they also have a lot of memories attached to them (cue the nightclub memories the moment you put on that timeless black pair).
While nostalgia can be a useful tool for reconnection, it can also take your attention away from the present. Instead of dwelling on the past, think about sharing new experiences with your partner. You could go to a new neighborhood or take a class together. Create a fresh memory rather than revisiting the past.
Having an odd feeling.
When you and your partner have established a routine, your relationship may seem to be moving more smoothly, though not necessarily seamlessly. Schedules and organization can be beneficial because they offer a welcome diversion from the little things, which prevents you from becoming irritated by them. But you might notice that something still feels a little off, perhaps because you two are afraid to mess something up. This can manifest itself in the form of acting too politely towards one another, being submissive in conversation, or acting overly apologetic. Remember, arguing is a completely healthy aspect of being in a relationship. Instead of living in constant fear of escalating the situation, it is much more beneficial to face your emotions head-on.
There might be a tendency in brand-new relationships to be cautious around your partner. But Richardson argued that when reuniting with an ex, you’re both bringing baggage from your shared past that can’t be ignored.
“Remember that it’s not a blank slate. Both of you are entering with an idea of how this could [or] should go, as well as some [hurt],” Richardson previously stated. In the initial ‘OMG I’m so happy this is working’ phase, it’s crucial to try and address resentments head-on right away and not ignore them. ”.
When I first started seeing my current partner, I was so concerned that every little disagreement meant our relationship was flawed and inevitably doomed to fail. But I’ve since come to realize that compromise and compassion, not agreement and unbroken bliss, are the real building blocks of a strong connection.
Accepting The New Normal.
You can stop placing demands on how and where your relationship should be, and instead start appreciating and experiencing it as it is, when you finally stop living in fear of causing cracks in your foundation.
A “new normal” is just your relationship’s way of sustaining itself and allowing room for development. There was a reason why you split up in the first place, says Overstreet, so it can’t take on the same shape as before.
This brand-new norm must exist.
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Although your partner may have been a part of your life for a while, they are now playing a different role, and that is an exciting position to be in. Struggling for more will no longer be stressful once you accept your relationship’s “new normal” state. There’s a difference between knowing what something should resemble, and truly seeing what’s right in front of you; look for the latter.
Getting to Know One Another (Again).
The most wonderful part of getting back together and adjusting to your new situation is realizing that you might both have changed significantly. Despite the fact that it might initially seem frightening, reestablishing contact with an ex-lover can unexpectedly completely revitalize your union.
Josh Klapow, Ph. D. , clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously explained to Bustle that in the period of time when couples are broken up before getting back together, they have their own separate and new experiences. This can enable them to bring an entirely new perspective to the relationship, whether it be through the start of therapy, a career change, or dating other people. “You have a chance to start, essentially, a new relationship together,” Dr. Klapow said, “when time and circumstances have truly changed who you both are. ”.
Instead of entering each encounter assuming you know what they’re thinking and how they’ll behave, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and truly have fun getting to know them all over again. Think of this as the start of something new (sorry for the High School Musical reference), rather than the continuation of something stale.
There is no right way to ease yourself back into a relationship. Never force yourself to feel a certain way, and always be aware of your own emotional needs. It doesn’t matter if it takes you a few days or a few months. As long as you’re coming from a place of honest intent, there’s no harm in taking the risk and canon-balling back in. You might actually enjoy where the current takes you this time.
